It’s the night’s like tonight that give me hope. When he holds me and says he loves me, even without the sex. Laying in his arms even when I can’t sleep. He makes me happy, he tries really really hard I know he does. I can see it.
He kisses me perfectly without breaking focus. He says MY name the correct way. He has never put his hands on me, not even for my weird fetishes he can’t get himself to act like that, so he always tries to find another way for me to enjoy myself. And he delivers.
I love nights like this where we hold each other after all of it. And tell each other about our day or week. No matter how fat or ugly I think I am he thinks I am beautiful… and I wish I could feel the way he feels about me, about myself. I need to be happy with myself one day. Then me and him will be completely happy… I hope, life always changes and people lose interest and the love dissipates. Its happened before I guess… I thought I loved him. But it must take love to be with me as long as he has…
But I love him and would do anything for him… and his kids.
These are supposed to be the best three holidays ever, and they are close together.
Why do they make me feel like slitting multiple throats including mine around these time.
I have a boyfriend whom I haven’t seen in a month. He makes dates for us and I get dressed and wait all day for him to forget. Which means he is forgetting about me. We usually text good morning and then call each other to start the day. He calls me while he is running errands to see if I just want to go for a ride. Then we usually call each other before bed so he cam remind me to take my meds. And on Wednesday mornings I used to wake up to happy hump texts with sexually explicit content.
I don’t get anything. Days between texts and if he calls he hangs up before I answer. I know he is having his own issues with holidays but your partner is supposed to be your support. I rely on him and that’s why I’m falling apart.
But it’s been a month… I’m feeling forgotten. And this sad feeling sucks… my backup plan is pretty close to a fail.
And in motion. Backup plan might just be my cover.
I can’t fucking sleep, I don’t feel good. Noon can’t get here fast enough So I can feel somehow normal again. I’m getting fucking irrational. Cranky. This is manic at Its best and instead of me doing what I do best I’m writing about it. Instead of me just doing what I usually do to not feel like this. All of my good dealers are home now with their kids or in beds with prostitutes. I know the schedule on Thursday night’s like the back of my hand. A busy night so we all splurge even by giving a whore an eightball to sleep with you for the night.
So now I can’t get high, but I could drink. I know my mania signs better than people think. I talk too fast, I have a strange confidence that is ungodly. I can’t sleep. I cry every time I feel something like an emotion. But they aren’t normal emotions. Everything is worse and I want it to fucking stop… I’m tired of falling apart and no one noticing when I need help. Bit I should be helping myself. Should I call the hotline? Or the ambulance. It’s so late the psych ward is full of drugged sleep people and my hysteria would wake them up causing them to not enjoy the fucking silence in their heads for once. I’m losing it all over again. I keep pulling my hair out. I think it gets worse after you start taking your meds and you stop. I shouldn’t have missed that appointment but I wanted to lay next to him all night and morning. Which ended up not happening cause I’m easy to fucking forget. I hate him. He has let me down and now I can’t care cause I’m about to let myself down, I wanted to make it to 2014 and its not going to happen. I’ll get close but not close enough. They’ve proved that life isn’t going to be easy on me since I’m taking antipsychotics so why go through with this dumbass life of being stuck in a house cause you never know if you’ll slip up. Staying clean hurts the worse. I can’t keep still. Cocaine is supposed to be a mind drug that’s easy to overcome and its fucking not. Ugh. Now he wants to call at 2. What if I was fucking sleep. Rude. I’m getting my bottle. I want to close my eyes.
This would seem like good news to any normal person but this is me covering my tracks. Just in case I do not find the right chance or the meds eventually start to work I’m going to start creating a back up life.
It won’t be in this state and it will cut me off from everything that sucks up here.
My boyfriend who very often forgets I exist won’t have to work So hard to forget me. Cause I’ll be gone. I feel bad for his kids because I love them so much. But I too tire of being put on the back burner to his drinking and “job”.
I’ll be away from this family that doesn’t notice when I go manic even when mine and their lives could be in danger or harm. I won’t have to hide every time I feel some strong emotion when I don’t have my meds.
I’ll start off by going to college, like I should. Heavily medicated of course. I go to visit on Tuesday. I’m kind of excited.
I’ll get away from everything here that went wrong and try to start new and not feel like ending this life, who knows how long it will take for reincarnation.
I just want to feel wanted and remembered. No one notices when I sneak off into the woods and stay for hours… but it’s something I shouldn’t give a fuck about, right?
I want to look forward to my back up life plan… but something says I shouldn’t.
Let’s just say every time I dabble in my old and supposedly given up profession of being a call girl or however you see it. Sugar baby, prostitute, lady of the night, whore, homewrecker or etc ever; I relapse.
Whether it’s the alcohol or the drugs or both it happens. And now I’m feeling like I might get drawn back in to it for him. I don’t want to do these things so the man I love can remake what he lost due to his addiction of gambling. I tried to stop him and now he is asking me to do something that he made me stop doing.
Am I a bad person for doing what my bf asked? Am I letting him use me? Am I letting him use me just so I can fall of my sober wagon? Didn’t I learn from last week? I drank and flaunted my sexuality for money gain while also getting high. I got sick the next day, horribly sick. Shouldn’t I have fucking learned yet?
Ugh, I’m doing this cause I love him and I secretly miss it. And I just found out how to enjoy sex for fun and cause I love the person. I feel like it would set me back again. And I’m already set back!
I’m so fucking lost. That’s not the lifestyle I want anymore… I don’t want to be weak. I need to be strong… for me.
Death can’t possibly be the worst thing that I have to face. Everyday I realize that I’m alone and I rely too much on others for me to be happy. All they ever do is cause me more pain than I care to go through. I have a million thoughts going through my head but the most loud, most vivid and easily understood thought is dying.
We all will eventually die, but why wait for it? Why can’t it be ok to die when you feel it’s right ? Why can’t we have all the say in the matter? Why can’t I be selfish. You are being selfish and demanding by making me go on doing something I don’t want to do.
So I sit here almost in tears wondering why wouldn’t I want to kill myself. I will, and that’s the best plan I have.
For the past three months I have been looking back on the night I slit my arm completely open. And I still wish I hadn’t survived. Being put in the psych ward against my will for 8days just made me do what I’ve been doing all my life, lying and holding back the truth.
It’s been 3 months and I’ve lost everything. While gaining sobriety. I don’t have cocaine anywhere in my system. While I want to get high and have the means of being able to get high. I haven’t. Which I assume is a big step.
I sit around every day with nothing to do or anything to keep me busy. I think about killing myself everyday and how it could be different the next time. If I try again, not saying I will or won’t. But I sit and plan a different scenario every day from the time I wake up to the time the Seroquel makes my eyes close.
Maybe it’s a sick thing that I do it and no one’s knows until now. But what else do I have? I hate myself. And it sucks….